Image by Joseph Wingenfeld via flickr

*hat-tip to (Dante) Amodeo for inspiring the post*

It has begun. It starts with a brief ripple across the internet; stray tweets bemoaning the reality of our collective situation as distractions begin to wane, the appearance of reader mailbags. And finally, the true harbinger of the summer doldrums descends upon an unsuspecting populace: the arbitrary rankings. Perfectly engineered by the boys in the lab, these pieces are designed to do nothing but whip people into a frothy rage of hurt feelings, garner clicks, and incite counter-pieces to begin the cycle anew. However, there has been a distinct trend in the rankings of the Big 12 cities that we’ve seen in recent days.

They’re boring.

So, your beloved and very attractive staff here at Staking The Plains decided to give the definitive rankings of the Big 12 hometowns in the categories that truly matter.

Surviving the apocalypse (zombie division)

1. Lubbock
2. Morgantown (I know they can make jerky out of anything, but it sits between two interstates. Easy access)
3. Manhattan
4. Ames
5. Stillwater
6. Waco
7. Norman
8. Lawrence
9. Fort Worth
10. Austin

1. Austin
2. Fort Worth
3. Manhattan (classic setting switch-a-roo)
4. Ames
5. Morgantown
6. Norman
7. Lubbock
8. Lawrence
9. Stillwater
10. Waco

1. Ames
2. Austin
3. Fort Worth
4. Lawrence
5. Lubbock
6. Manhattan
7. Morgantown
8. Norman
9. Stillwater
10. Waco

1. Stillwater
2. Ames
3. Waco
4. Lubbock
5. Manhattan (he came from money)
6. Norman
7. Morgantown (hobo despot that took the name of the settlement he took over instead of giving it his name)
8. Lawrence
9. Austin
10. Fort Worth

1. Waco
2. Lubbock
3. Manhattan
4. Austin
5. Lawrence (it would be called “Larry” in diner shorthand)
6. Ames
7. Fort Worth
8. Norman
9. Morgantown
10. Stillwater

Likely Subjects for Van Gogh Landscape Painting

1. Ames
2. Manhattan
3. Stillwater
4. Lawrence
5. Austin
6. Waco
7. Lubbock
8. Fort Worth
9. Norman
10. Morgantown